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I used to be a junior in faculty at U.C. Santa Barbara in 1964 once I noticed Anthony Quinn within the film Zorba the Greek. I went to school to meet my mother and father dream that they by no means achieved, however actually to be taught the mysteries of life—in different phrases, intercourse, browsing, and what it meant to be a man who might entice a lady who could be keen to have wild intercourse within the surf with him. Zorba was my position mannequin. Let me confess on the outset, I failed at discovering a lady who would have wild intercourse with me (that might come a lot later), however I by no means forgot what I discovered from Zorba.

            There are 4 issues Zorba cherished greater than something: Life, ladies, music, and his newest scheme to succeed towards all odds. At a time when most movie heroes had been characters like James Bond who killed dangerous guys and was solely excited by ladies for one factor (his love curiosity in Goldfinger was named Pussy Galore. How did that get previous the censors?). Zorba was refreshingly totally different.

            James Bond was one dimensional, Zorba was complicated. He was the type of man all ladies wished, younger, outdated, and in between. However he was additionally a person’s man, and genuinely wished to assist his stiff, younger, English boss. Zorba (the character based mostly on the guide from Greek author Nikos Kazantzakis) provides fantastic bits of recommendation which have caught with me for nearly sixty years:

  • “Since we can’t change actuality, allow us to change the eyes that see actuality.”
  • “The one factor I do know is that this: I’m filled with wounds and nonetheless standing.”

And the one that also guides my life:

  • “A person wants a bit insanity, or else he by no means dares lower the rope and be free.”

Turning into the Man You At all times Needed to Be

            I fell in love and bought engaged throughout my final 12 months in faculty (I used to be 21, she was 18). We had been each naïve (how might we not be?) believing that we had discovered eternal happiness. With out serious about it consciously, we assuming there have been two levels for a profitable relationship:

1. Fall in love.

2. Construct a beautiful life collectively.

There was no want for extra levels. We simply assumed we might reside fortunately ever after. Life had different concepts for me.

            We had two youngsters and bought divorced simply earlier than our tenth anniversary following three years of battle and recriminations. I rapidly remarried and was quickly divorced once more. Divorce is painful for everybody. Our hopes and desires of love eternal are dashed. For me, who had grow to be a profitable marriage and household counselor, it was devastating. How might I anticipate anybody who pay me for counseling once I couldn’t even preserve my very own relationship collectively? How might I preserve saying I used to be a therapist if my very own love reside wasn’t working?

            I decided that modified my life. I made a decision to give up my job as knowledgeable counselor, return to fundamentals and see if I might work out what it actually meant to be a person and to have the type of relationship that I had dreamed of getting. I wanted to make a dwelling whereas I used to be figuring it out, so I bought a job at Howard Johnson’s restaurant doing the early morning shift that nobody wished.

            I finished on the lookout for ladies. What girl could be excited by having a person whose job was serving espresso and serving meals to vacationers who had been nonetheless asleep once they stumbled in? I additionally went into remedy myself and browse every part I might discover from specialists who truly had been practising what they preached to others.

            I additionally mirrored on what Zorba taught me. After a variety of darkish and miserable instances feeling like a failure on the two issues that Sigmund Freud mentioned had been the cornerstones of our humanness, “Love and Work,” I bought again in contact with Life. I went for lengthy walks on the seashore and discovered to meditate. I learn “The Course in Miracles” and joined a weekly group of people that sang collectively. All of this stuff had been a bit loopy for me.

            I used to be a metropolis child who was uncomfortable in nature. I believed meditation was boring and couldn’t preserve my eyes closed for various seconds, a racing thoughts, I believed, would one way or the other get me someplace worthwhile. I didn’t consider in miracles or God. My mother and father had been Jewish by beginning and tradition, however political activists by inclination and atheists by coaching. If you happen to can’t see him, contact him, show him—believing in God or Goddess is unscientific and a waste of time.

            I started writing my ideas and emotions in a journal, which actually appeared loopy to me. It will definitely became a guide, my first, referred to as Inside Out: Turning into My Personal Man. As a substitute of going out on the lookout for ladies, I joined a males’s group, which was actually loopy. What heterosexual man would moderately be in a males’s group than chase ladies? Being within the group modified my life and we’ve continued to satisfy usually since we started in 1979.

Discovering My Soul Mate As a substitute of a Playmate

            I used to be ten years outdated in 1953 when a twenty-seven-year-old nerdy sociology scholar at Northwestern College named Hugh Hefner began Playboy journal. He put a racy image of Marilyn Monroe on the duvet and added some philosophy about sexual freedom. The primary printing of fifty,000 copies bought out in a single day. Playboy bunnies and Playmates of the Month turned the dream lovers of boys and Peter-Pan males who by no means wished to develop up.

            By the point I met Carlin, I had gone via two marriages and divorces (Take a look at my “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor” at I had given up the seek for the proper accomplice, however I retained my imaginative and prescient of the type of woman who had the appropriate chemistry to show me on—youthful than me, shorter than me, if not a Playmate of the Month, a minimum of one of many cute bunnies (I imply, if a nerd like Hugh Marston Hefner might spend his grownup life surrounded by bunnies, I might discover a minimum of one for myself, I hoped).

            Carlin and I met on the dojo in Mill Valley. I had begun practising the non-violent martial artwork of Aikido (most of my macho pals went in for extra kick ass practices like karate or Kung Fu). She was launched to me by a mutual buddy. I used to be pleasant, however clearly she wasn’t my sort. She wasn’t cute or bunny-like. She was fairly in an unique type of approach that was enticing, however complicated. However she had one high quality that was clearly a deal-breaker. She was a couple of inches taller than me (and I came upon later that she was additionally a couple of years older than me).

            However a really unusual factor occurred. We ended up going to the identical retreat (turned out the buddy who launched us, knew I used to be going to this retreat and instructed it to Carlin). We saved operating into one another and a few loopy magic started taking place. I put my aware thoughts to sleep (actually a loopy factor to do for me), give up ruminating, evaluating her to others, evaluating myself to some ultimate, and simply lived within the second and loved being alive.

            With out judgement about her or about me, whether or not she was horny sufficient or if she was my sort, or mine hers, we simply bought to know one another (and within the course of ourselves). We even talked about our judgements and the stereotypes that instructed us who we ought to be interested in and the way we must always really feel. We stopped attempting to be the individuals we had been imagined to be and began having fun with being ourselves.

            We’ve been married now for 43 fantastic years. We’ve had our ups and downs, like all {couples}, and we’re nonetheless studying about love. I wrote a guide about our persevering with journey. The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Phases of Relationships and Why the Finest is Nonetheless to Come.

            If you’re a person, or know a person, who has been via a relationship breakup (or multiple) and is able to discover and be taught what it actually means to grow to be a person who can entice a real soul-partner, I will likely be main a 4-day retreat in March, together with two colleagues, I’ve recognized for years.  If you’re excited by studying extra, let me know. It will likely be restricted to a small group of males who’re prepared for actual lasting love. It’s for a couple of good males who aren’t afraid to discover their little little bit of insanity. If this sounds prefer it may be you, drop me a word to and put “Soul-Mate Man” within the topic line. I’ll ship you all the main points.

            You may additionally get pleasure from my current article, “Are You a Grasp and Work, However a Catastrophe at Love?” If you happen to’d wish to obtain my common weekly e-newsletter (Its free), you are able to do so right here.



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