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My spouse, Carlin, will let you know that one of many important causes we now have had a profitable 44-year marriage is as a result of I’ve been in a males’s group for 45 years. There have been seven members within the group once we started. Three have died and 4 of us are nonetheless collectively. an early photograph of the group, we marvel at what a younger midlife bunch of fellows we had been once we first met in 1979. Now I’m 80, Tom is 78, Tony is 77, and Denis is 75.

When the group started all of us lived inside driving distance of one another within the San Franciso Bay space. Tony later moved to Seattle. The remainder of us nonetheless stay in northern California. As we’ve gotten older, well being points have made it tougher to satisfy in particular person, however we nonetheless handle to make it work. Lately the California members of the group have flown north to satisfy Tony. This time, Tony flew south and we met at Denis’s residence in Calistoga. We began the New 12 months with a heart-felt retreat January 10-13, 2024.

            I’m an solely youngster by start, however since becoming a member of the boys’s group, I’ve been gifted with brothers that I really like and who love me. Now we have various abilities and backgrounds. I’m the author within the group. In my most up-to-date guide, Lengthy Dwell Males, printed in 2023, I described “The Seven Phases of Our Males’s Group” and what we now have gone by means of to this point. Listed below are our levels:

  1. Studying to Belief and Open Up.
  2. Revealing Our True Selves, Fears, and Insecurities.
  3. Baring Our Our bodies and Souls.
  4. Studying to Have Enjoyable Collectively.
  5. Revitalizing the Group.
  6. Making a Lifetime Dedication.
  7. Coping with Disabilities, Loss of life, and Dying.

Lately, together with within the final assembly, we discuss brazenly about problems with life and dying. My spouse, Carlin, is 85 and all our wives are ageing with us. We’re open about points surrounding our personal end-of-life points in addition to these of our partner’s. Carlin and I’ve been studying an attention-grabbing guide by Sallie Tisdale, a tremendous creator and skilled nurse, who has spent ten years with folks going by means of the ultimate levels of life.

The guide, Recommendation for Future Corpses: A Sensible Perspective on Loss of life and Dying, is witty, compassionate, and useful. She says on the outset,

“I by no means died, so this complete guide is a idiot’s recommendation. Beginning and dying are the one human acts we can not apply.”

She addresses points that we’ve all discovered to be horrifying to debate however are more and more essential in our lives as we age together with:

  • What does it imply to die “a superb dying?”
  • Can there be multiple type of good dying?
  • What can I do to make my dying, or the deaths of my family members, good?
  • What to say and to not say, what to ask, and when—from the dying, family members, and medical doctors.

As I wrote in my very own guide, Lengthy Dwell Males,

“Since we determined to remain collectively for the remainder of our lives and to not add any new members to our group, we’re increasingly conscious that there’ll come a time when the group itself will die.”

As we’ve gotten older, my spouse, Carlin and I discuss concerning the nice present and privilege of serving to one another put together for this final part of our lives.

Ram Dass provides extra steering in his writings. In his guide, Strolling Every Different Dwelling: Conversations on Loving and Dying written with Marabai Bush, he says, “All of us sit on the sting of a thriller. Now we have solely identified this life, so dying scares us—and we’re all dying. What wouldn’t it appear to be if you happen to may strategy dying with curiosity and love, in service of different beings? What if dying had been the last word non secular apply?”

He goes on to say,

“Dying is a very powerful factor you do in your life. It’s the nice frontier for each one among us. And loving is the artwork of residing as a preparation for dying. Permitting ourselves to dissolve into the ocean of affection is not only about leaving this physique; it is usually the path to Oneness and unity with our personal inside being, the soul, whereas we’re nonetheless right here.”

For many of my life, I’ve been fearful of dying, my very own in addition to these closest to me. It has solely been in recent times since Carlin has handled breast most cancers, heart-valve substitute surgical procedure, and two minor strokes (if you happen to can name any stroke minor) that we now have been pressured to confront our fears and in addition to the blessings of our help for one another as we discover what it means to arrange for and have “a superb dying.”

Ram Dass’s easy phrases have been comforting:

“If you understand how to stay and to like, you understand how to die.”

Carlin and I’ve been training how you can stay and to like for 44 years. The lads’s group has been training for 45 years. It’s clearly a perpetually apply.

One other one who has provided useful steering is psychologist James Hillman. In his guide, The Pressure of Character and The Lasting Life, he says,

“Every of us is born with an innate character, the ‘daimon,’ or ‘spirit’ that calls us to what we are supposed to be.”

In reflecting on the later years of our lives, Hillman goes on to say,

“Growing old isn’t any accident. It’s essential to the human situation, supposed by the soul.”

Somewhat than the well-known levels of life—childhood, maturity, and outdated age—Hillman expands upon the modifications character undergoes in later life.

“First, the will to final so long as one can; then the modifications in physique and soul because the capability to final leaves and character turns into increasingly uncovered and confirmed till a 3rd piece of the puzzle emerges: what’s left when you’ve gotten left. Lasting, Leaving, Left.”

In our fashionable world we put quite a lot of emphasis on productiveness and once we are unable to supply many people really feel that we’re ineffective. However once we give attention to being, on character, somewhat than merely on doing and producing, our longer life takes on extra that means. In fascinated with my 85-year-old spouse, this reflection by Hillman provides a extra expanded side of our goal as we age:

“Productiveness is just too slender a measure of usefulness, incapacity too cramping a notion of helplessness. An older lady could also be useful merely as a determine valued for her character. Like a stone on the backside of a riverbed, she could do nothing however keep nonetheless and maintain her floor, however the river has to take account and alter its circulation due to her.”

When Carlin questions her worth in life now that she is retired and never working, I inform her that her job now’s to easily stroll round city (which she likes to do) and convey her being to the folks she encounters. I discover, too, as I stroll round city, I’ve a brand new job in life as I proceed in my 80s. It’s merely to be sort and loving to these whose paths I cross—buddies, neighbors, strangers, canines, cats, birds, timber, clouds—the entire neighborhood of life in our little neighborhood of Willits.

In our fast-paced world the place we’re all the time so pushed, it’s comforting to know that we will age and nonetheless have one thing essential to supply. Our infirmities aren’t simply indicators of a failing physique, however a chance to deepen our character and put together for our final departure.

“Suppose you alternate the phrase ‘leaving’ for ‘dying’ and substitute ‘getting ready’ for ‘ageing,’” says Hillman. “Then what we undergo in our final years in preparation for departure.”

Hillman provides a unique, extra hopeful, and fewer fearful approach of shifting from leaving to left.

“We decelerate and go over issues in our minds as a result of there may be a lot to arrange. Because the soul comes into the world slowly, taking all of the years of childhood to regulate, so it leaves the world slowly, requiring years of outdated age to pack up and take off.”

Carlin and I are getting ready for this final thriller of life. So, too, is our males’s group, as every man take his flip getting ready to depart. When the final member of the group, Dick, was near dying, we talked about what remained after we go away. We each felt there was a spirit that persevered after our our bodies had gone.

I instructed him if he may talk with me from the spirit world, I used to be open to listening to from him. Per week after he died, I used to be doing my early morning stroll and I noticed lights shining on the prime of a bunch of tall timber. “Is that you simply, Dick?” I requested. I had the sensation it was. Ever since, I image the three males who’ve left the group, John, Ken, and Dick being on the highest branches and the 4 of us which are nonetheless alive on the following highest branches awaiting our flip to affix the others on the spirit degree.

Love abides. And possibly dying isn’t the top, however the starting of affection manifesting in different kinds. We will see. The group is scheduled to satisfy once more in April. Keep tuned.



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